No Bravery In Your Eyes Anymore (Only Sadness)
by Blood-InTheFields
Summary: Clarke knows they are here. They're always watching. She doesn't need to see them; she can feel their eyes on her every time she steps out of the bunker. She thinks it's probably only two men and that the rotation takes place every eight hours or so. Wherever she goes; they follow.


**First time writing for The 100. I thought I'd do a one-shot. Let me know what you think!**

* * *

Clarke knows they are here. They're always watching. She doesn't need to see them; she can feel their eyes on her every time she steps out of the bunker. She thinks it's probably only two men and that the rotation takes place every eight hours or so. Wherever she goes; they follow.

She ignores them. They have orders to stay out of her sight anyway. She's not supposed to know she is being watched.

More importantly, she absolutely doesn't care. She's not a threat to the Grounders, she's not preparing an attack on them, so really, what can they report to their Commander? There's nothing to say.

It's been seventeen days since she left Camp Jaha. No one has come looking for her yet. She suspects that her mother has tried but Bellamy and Kane probably told her to stay put, to take care of things at the camp. Bellamy certainly explained to her that Clarke needs time on her own.

On the third day of her self-imposed exile, she's seen dark smoke coming from Mount Weather. She's not sure if it's the place itself that has been burned or the bodies. She thinks the latter is more likely. Her people could use the place, after all.

She spends her days walking around the forest; never too far from the bunker in case one of those definitely-not-natural gorillas decides to pay her a visit. Her surroundings are calm, almost too calm.

Clarke wishes for noise. The silence makes her think.

It makes her reflect on what happened in Mount Weather. It lets her imagination run wild and it is oppressing. When she closes her eyes, she sees all those people falling to the ground, burning. She sees Jasper holding Maya's lifeless body in his arms and looking at her with tears in his eyes. She sees her own hand—sometimes covered by Bellamy's, sometimes not—pulling the lever down. She sees children.

The children are the worst. They wake her up at night.

Clarke doesn't sleep well anymore. She hasn't in quite a long time. There are too many nightmares waiting to fill her head when she lets herself fall asleep. At best, she can get a few hours of rest. But it's nothing like it used to be.

She feels numb and she hates it. At the same time, she's not sure she has a right to feel anything after what she's done.

So Clarke simply focuses on getting through the day, hoping that maybe tomorrow will hurt less. She wonders if she'll ever be okay again.

* * *

It's another two days before she has enough. Enough of the Grounders spying on her, shadowing her wherever she goes. They go as far as to not pick up the animals their traps kill around her camp so that she doesn't have to hunt herself. They're being _nice_ and Clarke hates it.

"Leave me alone," she screams. "Go back to your village. I don't need you."

Of course, her words remain unanswered. The next morning, Clarke can still feel their eyes on her.

* * *

She decides to go to Mount Weather. It's a long way from where she is now, so she will likely spend at least one night out there in the woods. Clarke packs her things, makes sure to bring enough water and food to last for a couple of days and she starts walking.

She doesn't turn back once.

The Grounders following her make no sound, but she knows they're here.

* * *

When she arrives, Clarke first sees graves. Individual graves, at least thirty of them. Trees were cut down to make more space to bury the dead. On the far left, the ground is burned, black, covered in ashes. She looks to her right and there, the earth looks like it is one giant grave.

She frowns. Why would there be individual graves and then… just a big one where, she deduces, everybody is buried?

A twig snaps behind her and Clarke pulls out her gun as she turns around. But there's no one there. At least no one that she can see.

"Go away. Go away," she repeats, louder.

Realization dawns on her then and she turns back to the graves.

Children.

There were children in Mount Weather. These graves are for them.

Clarke spends the rest of the day picking up flowers for them.

Her eyes remain dry.

* * *

It happens when she's on her way back from Mount Weather. Clarke hears the beast before she can pinpoint exactly where it is, or even figure out what kind of beast it is. When the wild animal jumps from the bushes it was hiding in, Clarke fires her weapon twice and the body falls to the ground before it can reach the young woman.

Clarke sighs deeply as she spots two arrows buried deep in the animal's chest. Her own bullets hit the beast in the head.

"See? I can take care of myself! Now leave me alone! And tell your Commander that if I ever catch one of you, I will shoot you and send you back to her in pieces!"

Clarke doesn't really mean that. She doesn't even think she could do it.

Still, apparently the message is heard.

* * *

Clarke is cleaning her gun, sitting against a tree near the bunker's entrance when she senses that someone is watching her. She looks around discreetly, trying to pinpoint where the Grounder might be hiding this time, but she sees nothing.

She sighs deeply and looks back down at the firearm in her lap.

"I thought I was pretty clear yesterday. Does your Commander wish you dead?"

"She does not."

Clarke startles and jumps on her feet, gun promptly pointed at the person standing in front of her. There's a silence, during which Clarke does not lower her weapon and stares at the intruder that she has definitely not seen coming.

"You can put that gun down, Clarke. It is not even loaded."

It's true. Clarke hasn't had time to reload it yet. Reluctantly, she lets her arm fall back at her side.

"What are you doing here?"

"Those scouts are there to protect you from immediate danger and to send an alert if anything happens to you, Clarke. You cannot send them away. I ordered them to be here."

"Take them back. I'm doing fine on my own."

"Over the last two weeks, my men have killed three beasts that you had not even heard or seen. You would be dead by now if they had not been here."

"Then I'd be dead; what difference does it make?"

The blonde girl sits back down to finish her task. A few feet in front of her, still standing with an impassible look on her face, Lexa waits.

"I don't want to talk to you, Lexa. To be honest I thought you'd be in Polis."

"I went there and I came back. Just in time to receive news that you have been threatening my warriors."

"Yeah well, they should just leave me alone. I left Camp Jaha for a reason."

Clarke finally looks up at Lexa, briefly, before she sets her gun down and wipes her hands on her jeans.

"You left Camp Jaha because you could not face the people that you saved."

"Shut up."

"You left because you do not know how to reconcile yourself with what you had to do to save your people."

"I said—"

"You left because seeing them alive reminds you of those who died."

"Shut up!" Clarke yells as she gets up on her feet and walks furiously toward Lexa until she's well into her personal space.

Lexa doesn't even blink.

"Those people wouldn't have died if you hadn't made the deal," the blonde growls.

"Then many of my people and yours would have," Lexa replies calmly.

"You don't know that. Together we had the number to overpower them easily."

"We would have lost people. I made that deal to protect the Grounders, as is my duty as Commander."

Clarke swallows hard and steps back, unable to hold Lexa's gaze any longer. She wonders briefly if Lexa's scouts are watching them right now or if the Commander told them to stay away while they talk.

"Clarke," the brunette says, softly. "I did not come here expecting you to understand why I made that choice."

"But I do. I do understand. You were right. I would have made the same choice. I _did_ make the same choice."

There's a brief moment of silence during which the two young women study each other.

"I killed them, Lexa. The children," Clarke whispers.

"Their leader killed them. He gave you no other option. There was only one choice, one thing you could do to protect your people. You had to irradiate level five."

Clarke frowns at that.

"How do you know what happened?"

Silence.

"Lexa? How do you know?"

"I went back the next day to see if the Mountain was still breathing. It was not."

"You… It was you? You burned the bodies?"

"I had a few of my warriors with me. We buried the children. Burned the others."

"Why?"

Lexa finally moves. She steps around Clarke and goes to sit down on a tree log nearby. The blonde follows her, pressing for answers.

"Why, Lexa?"

"Because I knew you would go back there and I did not want you to see more death. You have seen enough, Clarke."

It is hard to be angry at the Commander. Clarke isn't even sure she is. The string of betrayal is still there, and she might never trust Lexa again, but she can't bring herself to be angry anymore. She's too tired for that. Perhaps Lexa senses this because she motions for the blonde to sit by her side, which Clarke does after a beat.

"I understand what you are going through, Clarke. I have experienced the same, more than once. After a while… it gets easier."

"To commit murder?"

"To remember that you are doing this for your people. A leader does not take pleasure in killing people. A leader is here to be the one to bear the guilt that goes with each life lost."

"I bear it so they don't have to," Clarkes whispers.

Next to her, Lexa nods.

"You do understand."

They sit still for long minutes, listening to the wind in the trees. Lexa stands up when Clarke's stomach rumbles.

"You're hungry. Eat. I should go."

"Where?" Clarke asks.

"TonDC. We are still rebuilding the village."

"Right."

"The scouts will keep out of your way and sight as they have so far. But I cannot order them to leave."

"You can."

"I won't," Lexa clarifies.

Clarke sighs but nods in agreement.

"When you're ready to face the world again, Clarke, stop by the village. I would like for us to talk more."

"We'll see."

It's as much as she can promise right now. Lexa seems to understand because she doesn't try to argue.

"Whenever you are ready. I will be waiting."

The Commander starts to walk away but Clarke's voice stops her.

"If you had made the choice with your heart…"

Lexa turns around to look at her.

"What would that choice have been?"

Slowly, Lexa walks back until she's standing right in front of Clarke and looking deep into her eyes.

"You," she says. "You would have been my choice."

Then:

"Goodbye, Clarke. I hope to see you soon."

* * *

**OTH-FOQ**


End file.
